If You Are in Danger
If you are being hurt, threatened, or controlled by your spouse or ex-spouse, your safety comes first. Nothing in this study — including the chapters on forgiveness and reconciliation — asks you to stay in or return to a dangerous situation. In the U.S., call 911 in an emergency, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (or text START to 88788).
If you have thoughts of ending your life, or feel you can’t go on, please reach out today. Call or text 988 (the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline in the U.S.), or go to the nearest emergency room. Then tell a pastor, a friend, or a family member. You are worth saving, and this pain is not the end of your story.
This study is not a substitute for professional care. Divorce after a long marriage is one of the most stressful events a person can experience. A licensed Christian counselor can help in ways a devotional can’t. Seeking help is not a lack of faith. It’s wisdom.
This week: Forgiveness and Freedom
What forgiveness is, what it isn’t, and the hard question of reconciliation
This is week 4 of 5 in the Divorce Recovery series. Each day has Open, Text, Heart, Practice, and Prayer.
For small groups
- Which of the “forgiveness is not…” statements on Day 22 surprised you or brought you relief?
- Joseph said, “What you intended for evil, God intended for good.” Is it too early for you to see any good? What might God be doing?
- Is forgiving yourself harder or easier than forgiving your ex? Why?
Related: Divorce Recovery: When the Ground Gives Way (7 days)
Related: Divorce Recovery: Carrying the Family Forward (7 days)
Week 4: Forgiveness and Freedom (7 days)
Week 4 of Divorce Recovery names what forgiveness is and isn't — and faces reconciliation with honesty. Forgiveness is not a call to stay in danger.
If You Are in Danger
If you are being hurt, threatened, or controlled by your spouse or ex-spouse, your safety comes first. Nothing in this study — including the chapters on forgiveness and reconciliation — asks you to stay in or return to a dangerous situation. In the U.S., call 911 in an emergency, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (or text START to 88788).
If you have thoughts of ending your life, or feel you can't go on, please reach out today. Call or text 988 (the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline in the U.S.), or go to the nearest emergency room. Then tell a pastor, a friend, or a family member. You are worth saving, and this pain is not the end of your story.
This study is not a substitute for professional care. Divorce after a long marriage is one of the most stressful events a person can experience. A licensed Christian counselor can help in ways a devotional can't. Seeking help is not a lack of faith. It's wisdom.
This week: Forgiveness and Freedom
What forgiveness is, what it isn't, and the hard question of reconciliation
This is week 4 of 5 in the Divorce Recovery series. Each day has Open, Text, Heart, Practice, and Prayer.
For small groups
- Which of the "forgiveness is not…" statements on Day 22 surprised you or brought you relief?
- Joseph said, "What you intended for evil, God intended for good." Is it too early for you to see any good? What might God be doing?
- Is forgiving yourself harder or easier than forgiving your ex? Why?
Related: Divorce Recovery: When the Ground Gives Way (7 days)
Related: Divorce Recovery: Carrying the Family Forward (7 days)
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Day 1: What Forgiveness Is Not
bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, if any man has a complaint against any; even as Christ forgave you, so you also do.
Open.
Someone said the word, and your whole body tightened.
Forgive.
Maybe it was your pastor. Maybe a friend. Maybe it was the person who left, asking you to forgive them so they could feel better.
And everything in you wants to scream: How? After what they did? After thirty years, the lies, the affair, the way they've treated the kids? You want me to just let them off the hook?
If that's how you feel, you're not a bad Christian. You're an honest one.
And you might be relieved to hear this: much of what you think forgiveness is, it isn't.
Text.
"Bear with one another and forgive any complaint you may have against someone else. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." — Colossians 3:13
There's no getting around it. Forgiveness is not optional for followers of Jesus. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
But before we talk about what forgiveness is (that's tomorrow), let's clear away some things that it is not. Because a lot of hurting people have been crushed by a version of forgiveness that the Bible never asked of them.
Forgiveness is not saying it was okay. It wasn't okay. Adultery, abandonment, and deception are sins. Forgiveness doesn't call sin anything less than sin. In fact, you can only forgive something you've first called wrong.
Forgiveness is not forgetting. "Forgive and forget" isn't in the Bible. You won't develop amnesia. The goal isn't to stop remembering; it's to remember without the poison.
Forgiveness is not trust. Forgiveness can be given in a moment. Trust is rebuilt over time, through changed behavior. You can forgive someone and still not trust them with your heart, your finances, or your safety. That's not unforgiveness. That's wisdom.
Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Forgiveness takes one person. Reconciliation takes two. You can forgive someone who never says they're sorry, who never comes back, who never changes. Reconciliation requires both people to walk toward each other. We'll talk more about that on Day 24.
Forgiveness is not a feeling. You may not feel forgiving for a long time. Forgiveness starts as a choice, sometimes one you make again every morning, before the feelings catch up.
Forgiveness is not a one-time event. Peter asked Jesus how many times he had to forgive someone. Seven? Jesus said, "Not just seven times, but seventy-seven times!" (Matthew 18:22). Sometimes we forgive the same wound seventy-seven times, as the memory keeps coming back.
Forgiveness is not a deadline. No one gets to tell you that you should be "over it" by now. Forgiveness is a process, and processes take time.
Heart.
Which of those false ideas about forgiveness have you been carrying?
How does it change things to know that forgiving doesn't mean saying it was okay, or trusting them again, or getting back together?
Practice.
Read through the list above slowly, one more time. Circle the one that brings you the most relief.
Then tell God honestly where you are with forgiveness today. Not where you think you should be. Where you are. "Lord, I'm not ready." "Lord, I want to want to." "Lord, I'm trying." Each of those is a real, honest prayer.
Prayer.
Lord, the word "forgive" makes me want to run.
Thank You that forgiveness doesn't mean pretending it was okay. Thank You that I don't have to trust them again to forgive them.
I'm not there yet. But I'm willing to start walking in that direction. Lead me, gently. Amen.